And I knew I'd made horrible call and now the state line felt like the Berlin wall

Carrie,

Apparently I can’t learn from my own experiences. A co-worker recently lost his father and was out last week. When I saw him back in the office I proceeded to say one horrible thing after another. Witness:

Stacey: How was your trip?

Co-worker: Ah…

Stacey’s Inner Monologue: How do you think his trip was? He was not off sipping mai tais on a sandy beach. His father just died and he was with his family, grieving, making funeral arrangements and taking care of his mother. That is a trip that no one wants to take.

Stacey: Uh, I hope it went okay.

Co-worker: Ah…

Stacey’s Inner Monologue: Are you the most insensitive person in the world? Were you not listening to everything I just said? Why can’t you say something sincere and sensitive like “I was sorry to hear about your father?” Why can’t you just say something short and kind and then stop bothering him?

Stacey: What am I saying? Of course it was not okay. I’m really sorry.

Co-worker: Ah…

Stacey’s Inner Monologue: Nice try. You just pointed out how stupid your earlier comments were and reminded him of how it is not okay that his father has died. Does he think you are sorry for his loss or sorry for sounding like an idiot?

Co-worker: Thanks for the good wishes.

I was on the receiving end of similar comments just six months ago but I guess I didn’t learn much about how to handle this type of situation. People meant well when they shared their sorrow for my loss and pain, even when the words came out jumbled or confused. I just ignored it when people said things that seemed less than sensitive, as I was too caught up in my grief to think about them. It is so hard to talk about death and loss and pain that it seems no one knows what to say. I hope my co-worker understood my intentions, but I still feel like I must have made the difficult situation of returning to work after the death of someone you love that much more upsetting.