When comments cut like steel

Hey Livewire,

It’s been a while. I’m not going to blame the lack of writing on being busy, though I have felt busy, but really I’ve been angry. I have been thinking about you, every day, and even though I am angry at what happened and at those two stupid people who ruined many things for many people that day, my recent anger has had a much closer target. There have been a lot of shitty things going on around me lately and I have felt dragged down by a few very indifferent and, dare I say it, cruel people who unfortunately play a large role in my daily life. They seem sympathetic, and while I don’t feel like I need their sympathy but I don’t mind it, what really pisses me off is that their actions betray their words and I honestly think they are very cold-hearted. Regardless of how they feel or pretend to feel about me and “my loss,” they are those poisonous people who have nothing good to say and who contaminate your feelings about others around you. We’ve discussed this before, so I know you know what I mean. Some people can make you feel sick and dirty just by being around them.

So in an effort to pull my mind away from their infectious, warped sensibilities, I have been doing a few things. I have been to two weddings, played around with a few elements of my personal environment, bought my plane ticket to China for July, visited with Gaugeen, drove to Las Cruces, thought about going over the border just to say I had been to Mexico (and thought about catching a donkey show because I’m not sure they really exist and I want proof, but then decided I was too tired and went to sleep with the TV on in the hotel), got drunk with my grandmother, bought some fabric, hiked, biked, bought New Balance trail runners to replace the two pairs of running/work-out shoes I have had since freshman year of college and which now have no arches, shopped at the Santa Fe Farmer’s Market for the first time this year, and met my neighbors after only 10 ½ months of living in my apartment.

Today I pledged the next two months to Wardrobe Refashion, in an effort to use up the fabric and yarn I have, turn the clothes I never wear into things I will wear, save some money and some resources. In the past few weeks I have had the strongest urges of my liberal political existence to be “eco-friendly” in all aspects of my life. I hope this pledge will help me to curb a bit of my consumerism. I know you would approve, since we used to save all of our recyclables in heaping paper bags against the wall near the kitchen, waiting for our next trip to Santa Barbara where we could dump the cans and milk cartons into our parents’ curbside recycling containers because we couldn’t find recycling facilities near our Midvale apartment. My fabric is starting to pile up in a similar way, though with a more pleasant odor. If I make anything remotely cool from this attempt at not buying new clothes for two months, I’ll let you know.

Going to take a bike ride to leave the stress behind.